Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

There's been good days, where there's peace at home, my friends are around, and I'm left to my own devicves, just like I like. No one to yell at me, no one to bother me, no one to hover over my shoulder and yap like an idiot every three seconds, pestering me with pointless trivia that I honestly couldn't care less about.

There's been good days that I don't want to end, good moments that I wish could last forever, and people I wish I could stay with always. There's been holidays where we can all get together and no one gets so shitfaced they can't even breathe and blink at the same time, and there's been sweet daydreams that just go on and on, covering up everything I don't want to be and see with a pretty, star-speckled blanket that's so warm and inviting.

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

For every good experience, there's been at least ten bad ones I wish I could just wipe from my memory. These bad times make me who I am, but I don't like who I am sometimes. I don't like being the type to brood and linger over every excruciating detail, however miniscule and trivial. I don't like being afraid of letting people inside for fear of getting hurt, and I don't like being the distant little bitch I am forthe sake of self-preservation. I like being the happy-go-lucky bundle of play and innocence that people think I am.

I don't like having to deal with a drunk who bullies me and my mother around. I don't like that she always takes his side, even if it's b laringly obvious that I'm right and he's manipulating her with lies, screaming, crying, and sex. I don't like being put on the backburner because I'm so responsible and can fend for myself and be dependable. I like the attention I get, but I hate that I have to stir up trouble, get on someone's nerves, or bust my ass just to get a second glance.

I don't like having to live in a dirt-poor family with only five outfits because every dime we have left over goes to beer and cigarettes. I don't like being bullied around and yelled at just because I'm younger an dtry to respect my elders, even if they don't deserve it. I hate that I'm forced into submission and meekness just because no one stands up for me. I hate that no one stands up for me just because they don't want to deal with a drunkard that doesn't know what it's like to act his age, instead of acting like he's three. I hate that whenever I try to say something about it, no one listens, and proclaim they never do anything wrong, then fuck like I never even tried to say something.

I hate that I move around so much, that I can't keep a steady home because drunkards are never just drunkards, and because people can't hold their jobs down out of stubborness. I hate that I don't have any best friends because I move so much, I never have time to make any. I hate that all the people I want to be with in life don't think as much of me as I do of them.


Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

But for some reason, I always put on a smile and pretend everything's okay. I never tell anyone what really goes on because I'm too proud to accept sympathy, and because I 'don't want people to worry.' I wish people would pry harder sometimes, until I just break down and get real help. I don't want to be taken to another home, though. I still love my parents, because they're the only ones I have, and even if they're horrible people at times, they still take good care of me as far as my physical needs go. I think I hate to love them and love to hate them.

Yeah.

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

I try and I try, 'I'm stronger than that,' and I'm the 'bundle of joy.' I'm not supposed to break down and cry. I'm the responsible, dependable teenager; the pick of the litter. I'm supposed to have it all together and know what I want, I'm supposed to be the one that babysits all th younger cousins and teaches them right from wrong in a way parents can't quite do. I'm supposed to be an obedient lapdog, always keeping my head down and obeying without question. I'm supposed to make straight A's, make masterpieces, and be making loads of money now. I'm supposed to be the shining star of the family that goes somewhere and does something with her life. I'm just the trophy on the shelf that's kept nice and shiny with a steel wool rag.

I try, but how can I be expected to succed when I have forces working against me that I can do nothing about? I don't want to go to a new home, I'm tired of changing my lifestyles to make up for my parent's shortcomings, and there's people I wouldn't be able to see or talk to that I'd miss dearly, people that keep me safe and sound, either by taking me out to different places or by hiding me away in a sweet dreamland where real life as we know it is a nightmare.

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong


I'm not ashamed of retreating to the folly that I share with other people, no. I'm ashamed of the fact that I have to, that I'm afraid to return to real life because of how much I hate it. I can be what I want, do what I want and when I want to. I'm not restrained by the physics and logic of the real world, and if I don't want to deal with any pricks that get in my way, I don't have to. If only I could live like I wanted, but I don't have the funds or means to do so. I'm trapped here.


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Welcome to Hell. How may we torture you today?